He's like the Indian Batman, only better. DOGA

Now I don't know how many of you know this but Doga is one of the coolest (anti)heroes ever. Yes, he's Indian. Yes, he has a secret identity. Yes, he doesn't respect the law and yes, he stands up for the poor and the weak.
Did you know, Doga's real name is Suraj? Khee-khee.

I read Doga for the first time when I was in the fourth grade. I came up with this brilliant idea that all of us from the neighborhood would hold a weekly library at our houses and the others would pick a book (or more) and return them in the following week (or re-issue it).
[Side note: Yeah, I was always cool.]

The plan was almost a success except that most parents started seeing this as a burden. Lots of kids in their house creating a ruckus, touching things, eating biscuits, spilling drinks and you know, so it ended pretty soon. Also, we wanted to play more. Get some exercising done. Less hassle.
I don't know if this is something my friends remember and agree if this was a cool thing to do but I owe it to this idea most of the things I know about Indian comic books.
As a child, I was born in the times (90s) when every household had a television so obviously, I wasn't much into reading. Unlike my brother, who started reading comic books before he was even four, I didn't start until much later.
Going back to the story, almost everything I know about Indian comic books, I owe to the childish idea of holding a weekly library. One of my friend's brothers was into comics and when she held the library at her place, I was fascinated by all those drawings and all those speech bubbles. After the first week itself, I realised issuing/borrowing a couple of books for a whole week was a bad idea. I needed more. Also, I needed things to keep me busy and to help me put off my holiday home-work forever (that shit really sucked).
I started borrowing more and more comic books from my friend. That's how I read a lot of Raj Comics' stuff like Super Commando Dhruv, Nagraj, Bankelal, Hindi translations of The Phantom, Mandrake and even Archie (amongst many more obscure comic books). Chacha Chaudhary, Pinki-Billoo and those kind of things were my old friends and regular fillers.
I cannot stress enough how much I enjoyed reading Doga but I also knew I was more attracted to finishing off stuff like Bankelal which was pure humor. After the library thing ended, all of us stopped borrowing books and so did I. I had to finally get down to that holiday home-work and Dexter's Laboratory and you know, sleeping and bugging my brother and so I never really got to reading Doga extensively.
However, I now have a good news. I got an internship a couple of months ago and I get paid (that's not the good news). I have decided to either waste the money or invest it. The first time around, I decided on semi-wastage and semi-investment which is why I bought a coffee maker. The second time around, I decided on a complete and foolish wastage and that's how I ended up with some new clothes and this time, a brilliant investment. I bought the entire collection of Doga comics online.
The package just arrived today and I am happy.

Also, I got a huge Doga poster as free gift. Yey-hey!

Brief Interviews With Hideous Men

The following piece is inspired from Brief Interviews With Hideous Men
...


Q

Trust me, it's not like I do it on purpose or that I am chasing a self gratifying end of feeling a certain sense of accomplishment. I don't even know what I do is because I want it. That I want it so bad. I don't realise it while I am engaged in the process of attaining it. What I am saying is, I don't even realise I did it until I am told that I really did do it. Of course, no body can point it right out but yeah, after a little thinking, I realise I did it again. Not that it was my intention but yeah, I did do it nevertheless.

Q

Honestly, I think you can call me insecure... what the hell, I am insecure which is why I think people around me feel like they should hold me and tell me it's alright. Not that I don't appreciate it, I really do but more than that, what I really feel is satisfaction. A sense of satisfaction that comes from knowing people love me and care about me, just that, I think, I mean I am not sure but maybe it's not as pure as these words make it out to be?

Q

How? Well, I think it may be because I really enjoy it. I get high on it. I like being important but I guess more than that - more than anything else, what I really cherish is the drama. The fake concern and I doubt that they are aware of how fake it is. I mean, it really gives me the pleasure.

Basically what I am saying is, I enjoy the attention.

Q

..but I think it is probably a little more serious than that. A lot of people enjoy attention. No, wait. Everyone enjoys attention. Second rate celebrities, little girls in pink skirts, sportsmen and so on and so forth but I enjoy attention to the point of it being the only thing that concerns me. Everything I do... yeah.

Q

What pisses people off, I think ^[1], I mean this is something I gathered after an ex called me selfish, is that I am truly; most innocently unaware of my needs. The need of feeling important, that is. I mean until now of course.

Q

Yeah so now that I realise it, you would think I feel evil but really what I feel is just helpless.

Q

You know what, I'd clean up your poop with my own hands when you're sick and yeah, I wouldn't even make a face while I am it. I'd smile at you and feel great that I could take care of you because I love you but what I would really, really appreciate is not your genuine thanks or your unconditional love in return or for that matter have you clean my poop when I am sick. However what would really get to me and move me like nothing else is when you would tear up before ten people and say you love me because I care for you like no one else ever could. Yeah, I basically want them to know, not that I wiped your butt with my bare hands^[2] but that I love you more than your own mother does. That I am willing to take care of you no matter what. That I am really doing everything out sheer concern and a whole lotta love.. for you. I will take pleasure in knowing that you show me off to your friends like you would show off a vintage Chanel dress and I will love you more for not only allowing me but also acknowledging and making me out to be the one truly, madly and foolishly in love with you.
And yet, after all this one sided giving from my side, at the end of the day, it's not just your attention I want, I also crave your friend's attention and her brother's attention and yeah, you know.. him, her, him and her, her, her, him, him all possible permutations and combinations or whatever that is.

Q

I must admit something, I am willing to do anything for you to feel comfortable around me. I want you to feel like you've found a friend in me, a lover in me, a confidant. I will love it when you make me an embarrassing T-shirt that reads 'private property of so and so' and I will tell you I love it and yeah, I really do. Sometimes I will tell you I don't want to wear it but what I want of you is to make me wear it anyway. I want you to feel like you own me. Know that I am yours. I don't want to be your inspiration - fuck "inspiration". I am not here to inspire anyone. I just have this worm that gnaws at my very existence and makes me feel an almost urgent need to feel genuinely important to others. I want to be that little thing that you do everyday like it's something scared. I want to be as precious to you as a prayer and all the hope you put into it. I want to be significant for you. I want to have a superstitious value in your life. I want you be with me every second of my insignificant life and I want for others to know of it.
Yes, I will do your laundry and surprise you with breakfast in bed. I will bring you your juice when I get up to get myself some water and I will do all those little things that make you feel special. That make you feel important but what is really happening here, and you don't realise it because you're too fucking dense and think I am too much into you, which I am, I admit; is that you're serving the same need for me..
.. and before you go all judgmental on me, don't you see, we're in this together? As one? It's all pretty mutual if you ask me. I make you feel special and you make me feel.. special.

Q

Yeah, I think my ex called me selfish because she knows of my need to feel important and is aware of my knack of fetching attention and what's the word here.. inconspicuously?
By now I am sure you are taking my "condition" and my seriousness to this seemingly trivial need of seeking attention as perhaps a paraphilia. What you have done is.. your little mind which cannot understand me, has made you judge me. You think I should visit a shrink but I'll tell you, I doubt I am anything more than just normal.

Q

No, I don't want your sympathy. I want you to pity me and feel guilty for doing so because you think it hurts my pride.
While we're on the subject, I think pride is an overrated concept and its brothers ego and self esteem are much the same. One who has some, takes things to heart and lives a life of misery, generally speaking. It's not even one of those good-guys-have-it-bad kinda things. I think it's worse than that. It's true, I have conquered my pride and have none. ^[3]

Q

Sometimes it's like, after everything that we've been through together, of all the times I made you feel alright and after all the times you made me feel alright, your yeses and nos don't matter to me after all. I will just sit and stare at you and you will assume I am feeling something. Suddenly, you will start doing all the talking and then just when you think everything's gone I will say something like "I love you" which I obviously mean with all my heart, you will come crashing down into tears and you will hold me and kiss me and tell me we'll get through this and I know we will because I will in that moment do something really ordinary like wipe your tears with my favourite T-shirt and you will melt and tell all your friends at the sleepover what happened last night and how I just make everything okay by being me.
There, what you just did there, that makes me love you all the more.

Q

Yeah, I get discovered all the time. I mean people aren't foolish enough and I am transparent enough so yeah, I am discovered. People come to know of my needs but that doesn't bother me much. What does bother me however is the end and what people make out of it.

Q

Usually, even after we've been too long together to know exactly what the other wants and even after you get tired of my antics or maybe because you think I try to "impress" everyone and seek attention and we have a falling out and we stop talking, uh, you stop talking because it hurts too much to see me not care, I will make you believe that I still care and I swear by the Gods, I will only say it if I mean it which usually in those desperate moments, I do. I will tell you that I love you and I still remember what you told me one night when we were watching Sienfeld and you will tell yourself to not say something mushy and stupid but I will keep telling you how everything you ever told me still matters to me. I will tell you how I remember the night you got drunk you told me you hated me but then hugged me all throughout the night and you will tell me you remember it too and when you gather up all the courage to tell me you still love me (like a forbidden secret), I know it's a hug moment and I feel up to it and I know you are in need of a warm embrace too but uh, that's something I don't do most of the times. If I do it however, it doesn't imply you're special. It just means that I ditched the rule but I often try not to bring in such distractions when I am making a heartfelt speech. What I mean is, I will cherish everything you say and talk to you the whole night through. We will share feelings, talk about the past and everything that we were. I will trust you with my emotions and tell you that I am often unsure and I need people's approval to get me going. I will tell you how my life is what it is because I met you. I will tell you how I love my current partner a lot but we don't trust each other^[4]. I will tell you how carefree I felt when I was with you and how I still think that you're the best thing that ever happened to me and admit it, with sadness in my voice, that I will never stop having feelings for you no matter how cold you get towards me and I will say this not to comfort you because I know you feel bitter that I left you for another but because I really won't ever run out of feelings for you. I will also hold back my tears and confess that I did everything I could for you but perhaps it was not meant to be.
I will tell you everything I should and yes, I will be honest but you will not. You are too sore and your ego won't let you say any of the things that are going on in your head especially that repetitive 'I love you, please come back to me' but I understand all of that you feel so I will just look at you and try to hold onto that image of you like a photograph that you never let me take because you thought you were not good looking enough for pictures. You'll look at me too but you're strong so you will leave after it starts getting unbearable for you to know I am not yours anymore.

Q

Yeah, all that will happen. I make it happen so of course, when one of your good friends asks you "what happened to the two of you? You guys looked perfect", you'd probably just smile and say "it's gonna be hard to get over this one."


...

Back to post [1] I am not sure if they think they're being toyed with emotionally or that they are giving in to all my schemes and everything that I planned from the start but you should know that I am just mostly honest. More like utterly honest- so much so that the people I am dealing with don't have an official reason to complain.

Back to post [2]
I wouldn't mind it if you happen to mention it.

Back to post [3]
I will cry when I see you cry for a friend who lost her father but I will not do so in front of you. I will hold back my tears from falling but one of yours friends will tell you later about how I couldn't stand the sight of you in such selfless pain. Obviously, because you're you and just like me, you want attention too, you will ask me subtly if I really did tear up seeing you cry the other night and obviously, because I am me I will tell you most truthfully that yes, I did tear up and I would've cried if I were not man enough and that it was not your friend's loss but the sheer sight of you fading away in her grief that made me weak.

Back to post [4]
Here, I will have to mention how you love me a little (being humble) more than I love you and of course, knowing how you are, you'll feel bitter about it. I don't know why one would assume I am a bad person. I notice people, I know them yet I don't humiliate them and ignore everything apparent. Like in this case, I will notice how your expression changes. I mean you felt a little glad that we don't have faith in one another but your expression changed to awful when I said I was the one with the upper hand in the relationship.

How To Take A Liking To Yourself

Finish reading that one book you were sure you could never finish.

Link!

Updating Content

From last year until today, the official list of all the books I could manage to read until their last page:

1. The Savage Detectives (Roberto Bolaño)
2. Ek Gadhe Ki Aatmakatha (Krishna Chandar)
3. Diary (Chuck Palahniuk)*
4. Love Creeps (Amanda Filipacchi)
5. Thérèse Raquin (Emile Zola)
6. Girl With Curious Hair (David Foster Wallace)
7. Sputnik Sweetheart (Haruki Murakami)
8. Kafka On The Shore (Haruki Murakami)
9. Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World (Haruki Murakami)
10. Best American Short Stories
11. Brief Interviews With Hideous Men ( David Foster Wallace)*
12. Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov)
13. Maximum City (Suketu Mehta)
14. White Noise (Don Delillo)
15. Once Upon A Time In Scandinavistan (Zac O'Yeah)


Apart from the above mentioned, there were several fail attempts at reading many a Hindi books notably Nirmal Verma's Laal Teen Ki Cchat and Manohar Shyam Joshi's Kuru Kuru Swaaha. The latter is slowly coming to a victorious end as these days rapidly fly by.
Speaking of fail attempts, yet another one was made when I tried reading Dostoevky's The Idiot which was impulsively borrowed by a senior and returned at the end of the semester without reading even a page of it. That sucked but I shall resume with The Idiot once I am in Bombay. Another fail attempt was at reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Murakami but this time the fail lied in the fact that I tried reading it in the bookstore itself because I did not have the money. Yeah.
Now that we are at the topic, I thought of reading Bolaño's 2666 but having learned from the most reliable source, N.F., its a thousand page read, I think I'd pass but I do think I will first buy and then read Hariya Hercules Ki Hairani. The alliteration makes me interested enough to give it a try leave alone the fact that it is written by the sassy dude of Hindi Literature, Manohar Shyam Joshi. In case of 2666, it was the numbers.
God I am simple-minded!



Regarding movies, well, I watched a lot of them. So many in fact that I wouldn't be able to recollect all the names and list them down. Point to be noted is that I was never the kind of kid who'd go to the cinema halls and witness the movies on that large screen but times change! Friends bring about such changes.
If you'd ask me what's up!?.. I might actually have an answer to it unlike always.
My friends crash at my place nearly everyday and since we don't have much to do, we usually go out for a movie. In this process, I have already watched a decent number of movies to brag about. In this list would be Salman Khan's "ready-made blockbuster" Ready, Green Lantern, X-Men First Class and the Hindi thriller Shaitan.
I give up but my friends don't so we are yet to watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon, animated film Cars-2 and Delhi Belly's D.K. Bose.

I am struck with this unusual sense of mild but affirmative grief knowing I couldn't watch Kung Fu Panda 2. Not cool. Oh, and I watched this one movie I wanted to watch for the longest time, Blue Valentine.

Jumping right on with my previously awesome superpower, otakuism, I am sad to say, I have nothing impressive to offer. Back in Bombay I rarely had the time to sleep and with no internet connection, all I could do in my spare time was read so no accomplishments in this section. Still, I finished reading the previously on-going and now completed manga Oishii Kankei. Updates from Nanga Fakir made me feel I was handling his department while he handled mine. I mean, I was reading and he watched anime. Anyway, I watched this one series he casually mentioned to me. I am not giving out the name but I will make a detailed post of the same in the next few days.
Oh.. and I watched Death Note.
Plop.




........



Key:
* Revised Data

Mega Manga Mangrove

[Note: Apologies for the lame header, but I am a sucker for cool (?) alliterations.]


Here's a nearly official list of all the manga Bejin Hakumei has read until this date.


Shoujo Manga:

1. 1/3 no Kareshi
2. 7th Period Is A Secret
3. Absolute Boyfriend
4. Adarshan no Hayanome
5. Ai Hime ~ Ai to Himegoto
6. Aishiteruze Baby
7. Akaku Saku Koe
8. Akane-Chan Overdrive
9. Alice 19th
10. Anatolia Story
11. Angel Sanctuary
12. Appare Jipangu
13. As The Death God Dictates
14. Asa mo, Hiro mo, Yoru mo
15. Ayashi no Ceres
16. Baby It's You
17. Backstage Prince
18. Beast Master
19. Beauty is the Beast
20. Beauty Pop
21. Bloody Kiss
22. Blue Ramun
23. Boku Ni Natta Watashi
24. Boys Over Flowers
25. Brilliant Magic
26. Butterfly Bed
    
27. Cain Saga
28. Camelot Garden
29. Cardcaptor Sakura
30. Cat Street
31. Ceres Celestial Legend
32. Charisma Doll
33. Cherry Juice
34. Child's Toy
35. Chouchou Kumo
36. Count Cain
37. Count Cain -Godchild
38. Cristo
39. Cutie Baby
40. Daa! Daa! Daa!
41. Dakishimete Noir
42. Darker Than Black
43. Datte Suki Nan Damon
44. Desire Climax
45. Emma
    
46. Enren Debut
47. Fairy Cube
48. Fall In Love Like A Comic
49. Faster than a Kiss
    
50. Fruits Basket
51. Full Moon wo Sagashite
52. Gaba Kawa
53. Gakuen Alice
54. Gekka no Kimi
55. Gentlemen's Alliance Cross
56. Giri Koi
57. Girl Got Game
58. Gokinjo Monogatari
59. Gold Rush 21
60. Good Father
61. Good Morning Call
62. H2O
63. Hana Kimi
64. Hanatsuki Hime
65. Hayabusa
66. He's Dictated To Roses
67. Help!!
68. Hime gimi Tsukurikata
69. Hot Blooded Women
70. Hot Gimmick
71. I Can't Sleep Alone
72. Inuyasha
    
73. Imadoki
74. ION
75. It's Love
76. Kagen no Tsuki
77. Kaikan Phrase
78. Kamichama Karin
79. Kamichama Karin Chu
80. Kanshakudama no Yuutsu
81. Kare First Love
82. Kimi Shika Iranai
83. King's Pawnshop
84. Kiss in the Blue
85. Koi, Hirari
86. Koko no Iru Yo!
87. Koukou Debut
88. Love Strip
89. Ludwig Kakumei
90. Madmoisille Butterfly
91. Meine Leibe
92. Meru Puri
93. Mind Game
94. Mint no Bokura
95. Miriam
96. Moe Kare
97. MT Pass
98. Nine Puzzle
99. Orange Planet
100. Othello
101. Otokomae Beads Club
102. Penguin Brothers
103. Psychic Detective Yakumo
104. PxP
105. Random Walk
106. Reaching You (From Me To You; Kimi ni Todoke)
107. Replay
108. Ringo Nikki
109. Romeo x Juliet
110. Saboten no Himitsu
111. Safe Again Today
112. Sensual Phrase
113. Shin Daa! Daa! Daa!
114. Shinigami Lovers
115. Shinrei Tantei Yukomo - Akai Hitomi Wa
116. SOLD OUT!
117. Special A
118. Stroke Material
119. Taranta Ranta
120. Tenjou na Kajitsu
121. Tenshi no Hane to Akuma no Shippo
122. Time Stranger Kyoko
123. Tokage Ouji
124. Tonari no Hijiri-Kun
125. Tonari no Inuyama-Kun
126. Ultra Maniac
127. WANTED
128. When You Look Like An Angel
129. You're My Girlfriend
130. Yowaito Nikki
131. Zettai Kakusei Tenshi Mistress Fortune

Slice of Life

1. Adventure Boys
2. AR ~ Forgotten Summer
3. Binbou Shima Monogatari
4. Kimagure Orange Road
5. Koi no Kami-Sama
6. Living Game
7. My Sweet Sunday
8. Parallel
9. Sakura no Uta
10. Yellow Book

Shounen:

1. 090 - Eko to Issho
2. 13
3. Akuma Bengoshi Kukabara
4. Ann Cassandra
5. Aoi Destruction
6. Apple
7. Asklepios
8. Ayu Mayu
9. Bad Company
10. Beck
11. Belmonde le Visiteur
12. BioMeat - Nectar Manga
13. Black Cat
14. Bloody Monday
15. Bokke-San
16. Bremen
17. Code Geass - Nightmare of Nunally
18. Cowa!
19. Cross Over
    
20. Crossing 25
21. Death Note
22. DNA^2
23. Double Arts
24. Doubt
25. Dragonaut - The Resonance
26. Eureka Seven
27. Fairy Tail
28. Gacha Gacha - Capsule
29. God Eater
30. Great Teacher Onizuka
31. Hatsukoi Limited
32. Hitomi no Catoblepas
33. Inumimi
34. Island
35. Jyuki Ningen Jumbor
36. Kajika
37. Kanaeta Aizen
38. Kingdom Hearts
39. Koorihime Kitan
40. Koi no Kami-Sama
41. Level E
42. Lilim Kiss
43. Love Hina
    
44. Love Letter
45. M.C. Law
46. Madofuki Park
47. Mahoraba
48. Mai-Hime
49. Mai-Otome
50. Majin Devil
51. Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro
52. Marugoto Anjyu Gakuen
53. Meister
54. Midori no Hibi
55. Miyuki
56. Muddy
57. Negative Happy Chainsaw Edge
58. 666 Satan
59. ONE PIECE
    
60. Pandora Hearts
61. Personant
62. Phantom Wizard
63. Pita-Ten
64. Pretty Face
65. Rosario+Vampire
66. Saiyuki
67. Sakuratetsu Taiwahen
68. School Mermaid
69. Show Me The Money
70. Silvery Crow
71. Souten no Koumori
72. Snow in the Dark
73. Stigmata
74. Stray Dog
75. Strawberry 100% (Ichigo 100%)
76. Tales of Symphonia
77. Tista
78. to-LOVE-ru
79. Tsukumo Happy Soul
80. Ultra Red
81. Urooboe Uroboros
82. Vandread
83. Video Girl AI
84. Watashi no Messiah-Sama
85. Yakuza Girl

Psychological:

1. 20th Century Boys
2. 21st Century Boys
3. Billy Bat
4. Boys Next Door
5. Elfen Lied
   
6. Eternal Sabbath
7. Liar Game
8. Maken X
9. School Days
   

Sci-Fi:

1. 2001 Nights
2. Angel Dust Neo
3. Aqua
4. Kagijin
5. Kiddy Grade - Reverse
6. Love Automation
7. Love Neko
8. Made in Heaven
   
9. Mobile Suit Crossbone Gundam
10. Momoza de Sarada
11. Onegai Teacher
12. Organic
    
13. Normal City
14. Outlanders
15. Standard Blue
16. Telepathic Wanderers

[End Note: I assume there's quite a lot that's left out. Anyway, I don't think this post is going to be well scrutinized by any of my blogger friends as such. Also mentionable here is the fact that though I have read all this stuff, a lot of it was sheer shit. So, I don't want the junta to come raging their piss on me because "it didn't turn out to be as cool as it (possibly) sounded". In case of serious need, ask me which ones are readable. And I formally announce that I am totally over this manga-reading bug in me cause the content is mostly cliched and absolutely predictable. Only on-going stuff will be dealt with in the future (example: One Piece, Bleach, Fairy Tail etc.) If anyone has a hard time reading some manga that I have already read (refer to my list for that), you are free to come and ask me for the brief story and it goes without saying that spoilers will be offered most genuinely.]


Quick Links:

Shoujo
Shounen

Mic Testing

I am here to formally announce that I am fairly happy and contented for the time being.
The past few days have been a good (apart from random mood swings which keep happening to me) cause I completed a lot of manga(s), anime series, books and movies.

Here's the list of what is done:

Anime Series:
Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei
Baccano

(A fellow anime lover suggested this awesome site called AnimeStash)

Anime Movies:
Nausicaa Of The Valley Of The Wind
Paprika
Spirited Away
My Neighbor Totoro
Perfect Blue
Tokyo Godfathers
Mind Game
Whisper Of The Heart

(AnimeStash is the site for this. Trust me!)

Books:
Watchmen (Graphic novel-revised)
Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (Graphic novel-revised)
Persepolis (Graphic novel)
Diary (Novel by chuck Palahniuk)
Survivor (Novel by chuck Palahniuk)
The Depressed Person (Short Story by David Foster Wallace)
Love In The Time Of Cholera (Gabriel García Márquez)
Neuromancer (William Gibson)

(From the Fakir dude's collection except for Persepolis, which in turn, I read in Landmark itself)

Movies:
The Bow
Amelie
Takeshis'
Bombay
A Tale Of Two Sisters
Dil Se...
House Of Flying Daggers
Irreversible
My Girl
Peace Hotel
Search For One Eye Jimmy

(Watched all these on T.V. except Irreversible, for obvious reasons)

Manga:
Angel Sanctuary
Appare Jipangu!
As The Death God Dictates
Binbou Shimai Monogatari
Himegimi No Tsukurikata
Living Game
Parallel
DNA2
One Piece
To-LOVE-ru
Alive
Camelot Garden

(OneManga has always been my favorite manga site)

...

Apparently, there's a lot more that I plan to do in the coming few days. Not to forget, I am churning out pages of shitty doodles everyday too.

Let's just say that I am busy out of my joblessness.
XD



PS: A new list of accomplishments... Coming Soon!
PPS: Perhaps.

Ah..

This, resulted in yet another shame. Not the vile little urge to boast of my intelligence that had made me break the ice here and start talking, but a desire to "throw myself on others' necks." This desire to throw myself on people's necks so that they recognise me as good and start embracing me or something like that (swinishness, in short), I consider the most loathsome of all my shames, and I had suspected it in myself for a very long time- namely, ever since the corner I had kept myself in for so many years, though I don't regret it. I knew that I had to be gloomier among people. What comforted me, after each such disgrace, was simply that the "idea" was with me all the same, in secret as always, and that I hadn't betrayed it to them. With a sinking feeling, I sometimes imagined that once I had spoken my idea to someone, I would suddenly have nothing left, so that I'd become like everybody else, and might even abandon the idea; and so I preserved and cherished it and trembled at the thought of babbling. And then here, almost with the first encounter, I had been unable to hold out, I hadn't betrayed anything, of course, but I have babbled inadmissibly; the result was disgrace. A nasty recollection! No, it's impossible for me to live with people; I think so even now; I say it for forty years to come. My idea is- my corner!



I am a corner- I live in a corner.
I am but an adolescent.

The Catch Of My Eye

Caution: The following piece of writing is a story about love and could perhaps be interpreted as girlie.



I admit. I was once in love with a guy.
He was the kinds who'd interpret this world as a dark and rotten place to live in. He despised the system but never really bothered to make a difference. He lacked passion. And though he could smell through people's motives, he was a confused bastard who couldn't really differentiate the good from the evil. Fucker, was a failure at academics but somehow always managed to pass English.
*smirks*


Haha, there was this one time when got expelled from his school. Not that he resented it one bit. In fact, he wanted seclusion and got it too! Somehow he didn't wish to go home like most of us would. And it's just my guess but I think he was just running away.. trying to ignore the dead ends he would have to face some day.
*sigh*

And damn what a brat he was.. stubborn and annoying! Retard, left school because he had a fight with his roommate and desperately wanted a break. Man, he had one helluva adventurous time cause the same night he visited a prostitute! But the loser said he wanted to talk to her instead of having sex. I mean what a kid! The bitch asked him for more money and when he refused, he ended up being bashed up thoroughly by her pimp instead!
Poor kid tried to act all brave and matured but I think he was afraid of growing up. I presume he disliked change. And even though he was naive at times I know he was a matured and sensible guy who could reason out well.
Such stark and ironic contrasts to him only added to his subtle charm. What I mean is, I kinda found him cute.

I don't know, man but I guess I was just helplessly falling in for him or something. His brand of honesty is kinda rare these days, ya know. Like for example, he wasn't particularly a caring person but he sure did like his little sister who I think was his only comfort in some regards. And hell, it makes me want to laugh out loud to think the brat thought of his English teacher and confidant as a pervert making sexual advances on him! On second thoughts.. who knows.. I mean the world is kinda unpredictable after all.
*rolls her eyes*
*pauses*
*let's out an inaudible sigh and continues*
This lonely and cynical guy seemed tired from day to day living, and from what I remember of him, I think he thought of himself, or let's say he knew himself to be a loser. I don't remember him admitting it though.
Silly kid, imagined himself as the protector of kids playing in the rye fields.


He is my male equivalent. Holden Caulfied, the catcher in the rye was the catch of my eye.
And even today, reading the shit I wrote, would probably make him go all, "phoney attention seeking bitch" but I don't give a fuck for all I know is that I would just stare at his back as he would walk away after saying those cruel words, trying hard to catch the fleeting glimpse of that image so that it resides in my heart forever.

*sighs*
I was merely lying when I said I was in love.
*mumbles inaudibly*
I guess, I still am.


NOTE: The above mentioned crap is written just to shut up some people [especially, Devika Misra] who think I have lost touch.