Sunday, August 30, 2009

New Age English, Typos and Convenient Abbreviations

Orkut is indeed the best place to observe where the world is heading.
That's the short for 'laughing out loud'.
And wait, there's just so much more.
If you wish to sound more cool use a LMAO instead which might be interpreted as an exaggerated and cooler version of LoL cause it stands for 'laughing my ass off'.
The 'ass' part of which makes you stand out and look like you're KeWler than the others.
As a result of this you might even get a few friend requests with a (now) default message which reads: 'Hi ___, I wannabe your orkut friend, ___'

Apparently, these cool abbreviations and random typos can lead to some of the most hilarious errors ever.

For example:

I m waiting here, just cum.
Did u receive my testis???

And that's so not it.
Look at your keyboard and see how the 'u', 'i' and 'o' are right next to each other.

Consider a sentence:

I want you to love me written as I want u 2 luv me ultimately turning out to be I want i 2 luv me.
Hmm. Quite a narcissist!

Despite the new age cult of eff-bee(ing) with constant status updates giving us the minute details of dull individuals' boring lives like: I think I should get a haircut, My dad is in the hospital. Plz pray, It's my friend's neighbour's dog's birthday today, our old Orkut continues to flourish with some of the best online disasters ever.

Pick up a random person's scrapbook and see how a plain 'how are you?' is written as 'who r u........???????' Look closely and notice how both time and labour has been saved but don't consider having a closer look or you might just go into a trance if you're some English scholar from eight grade cause dUdez the 'how' has turned into a 'who'.
It's a plain typographical error but when the error is recurring it gets painful.

Like this: Wh R u? i ws ThnKng Og giVn u my tEsTis sO u rEmMbR em evn aftr 4erv. PlZz dUn sAy nO 2 meh Mahnz!!!!!

Anyway, this was just an exercise to let out some frustration but anyone in need for more kewl slang, abbreviations, tips etc. can contact me at:

With loyalties intact,
BeJIn HaKumEizz

Bejin's Top Five (Part 2)

Classroom disasters:

5. When the teacher is over sixty years old.

Teacher: Now who will tell me something about the structure of allylic halides?
Bejin: *hides inside her book*
Teacher: You! The one whose trying to hide there.
Bejin: *nervous smile* *looks around hoping someone would prompt* *gives up* I ..don't know..
Teacher: It's a shame!
Bejin: *in a moment of random revelation* The halogen atom in allylic halides is bonded to an
sp3 hybridised carbon atom.
Teacher: *taken aback for a millionth of a second* Make sure you know the answer without peeping through your notes next time.
Bejin: Damn!

4. When the Teacher wants your home-work register:

Teacher: Have you done your home-work?
Bejin: No.

Teacher: Why so?
Bejin: I am dyslexic.
Teacher: I would've believed you only if I didn't see you at the show of Taare Zameen Par yesterday.
Bejin: Oh.

3. When there are two Art Teachers with their own creative (and gender) differences.

Male Teacher: I don't like how you've used a mustard here. A red would've highlighted the white spot more.
Female Teacher: No, I think it's absolutely fine, Sir. Look how the mustard smudges around the white spot and gives it a surreal touch.
Male Teacher: I get your point but ma'am it looks shabby.
Female Teacher: What do you mean by shabby!? It looks good. More like how the background mixes into the spots of white creating a...
Bejin: Psychedelic!
Female Teacher: Yeah! A psychedelic.. feel.
Male Teacher: It hardly looks psy..
Bejin: Psychedelic!
Male Teacher: Yeah. That.
Bejin: Teachers, we're gonna get it printed again this year.
Female Teacher: Well, that's there. How about a coffee, Sir?
Male Teacher: Sure!
Bejin: WTF!

2. On Teachers' Day

Bejin: Happy Teachers' Day, ma'am. I made you a card.
Teacher: Thank you, Bejin. Never thought you could come up with something so heart warming.
Bejin: Don't blame me. I was forced to!
Teacher: I need to meet your parents now.
Bejin: What did I do now!?

1. When the Physics class is a humdrum affair:

Maria: *yells out* Oh FUCK!
Bejin: HaHa. You fucker! You just said a fuck in the fucking Physics class in front of that fucking Physics lady!

*everyone stares*

Teacher: Both of you, to the Principle's office. Right now.
Bejin: It won't hurt any worse this time..
Both: Aww, fuck!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Bejin's Top Five (Part 1)

Encounters with the opposite pole:

5. When the guy is very normal:

He: Hey!
Me: Yo!
He: Heard Metallica's new album?
Me: Nope.
He: You should kill yourself.
Me: Really? I heard they sucked.
He: Well, even then! It's a cult, you tiny little bitch!
Me: Cool. Pass on the album to me tomorrow.
He: I have it in my computer. Downloaded it from the torrents.
Me: Make me a DVD.
He: Huh?
Me: By tomorrow.
He: We've got Maths home-work due tomorrow.
Me: I'll do that. You get me the disk.
He: Okay!

*a wicked smirk spreads across Bejin's stoic face*

Next Day:

Me: My disk?
He: Here.
Me: Thanks. Sayonara!
He: HEY WAIT! I need to copy the Maths home-work.
Me: Like you'd do it.
He: Yeah, I will..
Me: *nervous smile* Hehe, I thought you wouldn't, so..

*Bejin escapes slyly while the guy curses his foolishness*

4. When the guy is a total gentleman:

He: Senorita, your eyes are like the shimmering waters in the night sky.
Me: Huh?
He: Your eyes.. they are like the shimmering waters in the night sky.
Me: *irritated* *looks away* So, what else?
He: Your hair are like an artist's canvas with a brilliant black background.
Me: With a twisted and abstract face in the middle?
He: HaHa. My beautiful, you're funny.
Me: Really!? *happy*
He: Your lips are like...
Me: Oh shut up you fag! Tell me the crucial. You think I am funny?
He: Well, yeah.. I guess.
Me: Hah! I knew Maria was just jealous of my humor and sensibilities. Thanks sucker!

*Bejin leaves*

3. When the guy is a nerd:

Me: Give me your home-work register.
He: No.
Me: Dude, we have to submit it after the lunch break.
He: What would I get in return?
Me: Umm, I'll let you live for today..
He: *delighted* Okay!

2. When the guy is in love:

He: I.. I.. I had to uh...
Me: I got it. Say no further.
He: Really.
Me: Yeah.

*runs off at a speed of 299,792,458 m/sec*

1. When the guy is an otaku:

Me: Man, Samurai Champloo is just kick-ass!
He: Oh screw that, Afro Samurai is better!
Me: Wanna bet?
He: Oh sure!

*both take out their cardboard katana and start jumping around here and there creating weird sounds *
*suddenly it's all silent, everyone looks as to what the fuck is going around*
*they stand at a distance from each other and stare straight into the eye of the other*

Me: HaHa, I know you're fast but take the last few breaths while I smoke off this weed.
He: Thanks for the wonderful proposal but I might as well kill you while you're at that thing.


*they rush towards each other with their cardboard katana*
*everyone stares in complete silence*
*brief pause*

Me: Dude! You have to fall down. I just killed you.

He: WTF! You're the one whose dead.
Me: Na-uh!
He: Oh yes.
Me: No!
He: YES!

*Bejin stamps on his foot and runs off*

Me: Yay! I win, loser.
He: Curse you little, witch!

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Bow

I have always been a T.V. person and owing to the fact I have the worst scheme from Tata Sky Dish Services, I am only left to watch UTV World Movies and Phineas and Ferb these days.

While the latter happens to be a big hit in my daily scenario, UTV World Movies on the other hand is a once in a while deal for me, given to the fact that they air movies in languages I have never even heard of.

The other day while I was surfing the T.V. scene, I happened to have a brief look at this movie channel randomly. It had chinki looking characters, water, boats, an old man and a 16 year of girl and then I knew that it had to be Kim-Ki-Duk!

It's summary read as follows:

A 60 year old fisherman has been bringing up a girl since she was a baby. Now she is 16 years old and the fisherman has other intentions. But the arrival of a male student changes all their lives.

The intentions about which the summary speaks of is the kinds that would freak out fifty year old Indian house wives.
Ah, nothing extreme.. but you know how Indian home makers are!

The sixty year old man brings up a girl he found when she was six. It's been 10 years since and the old man plans on marrying her on her 17th birthday. He lives on the dough he makes by allowing people from the nearby areas to come for fishing. The old guy would be often misinterpreted as the girl's grandpa by anyone who is clueless about the plot as such. Not to mention, the characters in the movie who come for fishing assume very much the same.
Like all of Duk's movies, The Bow contains very little dialogues. The story proceeds casually, often describing the monotony of the protagonists' lives with great intricacies like how the old man gives the girl her daily bath, does her hair, sets up her bed at night, gets the daily groceries and cancels out each coming day in his calender and then flip a few months off to see and smile at a particular date marked with a red heart shaped design filled with some Korean calligraphy indicating the young girl's birthday and hence, their marriage day.
The days are mostly repetitive with a little everyday humdrum like the fishermen trying to have their way with the young female only to be aimed at by the old man with a bow and arrow.
The Bow's title is based on how the old man tells people's fortunes. The process is rather peculiar. Unlike how usually fortunes are told, the old man has his own style which involves tying of a colorful ribbon around the young girl's wrist, her sitting on a swing tied outside their main boat and the old man aiming at an old Buddha like figure painted on the outer wooden walls of the boat. The girl smiles as she swings, her gaze constantly set on the old man. It has no fear and while she keeps swinging at a constant pace, the oldie aims and shoots three times after which the girl whispers something in his ears and the oldie whispers the same in the client's ear.
Life runs smoothly for the both of them until one day a group of young male students come to their ship for fishing (probably on a group tour). The girl is attracted by a youthful boy and gradually they come closer to each other. The oldie grows overly protective of her and hates it when she goes to him. Suddenly, the girl starts hating the old man for keeping her caged for so many years and starts to get irritated at the very same actions which were earlier liked by her.

(Scenes when she can't allow the old man to give her a bath while she's sitting naked in a tub just like before and when she tries to get away the old man's grip from her wrist while she sleeps, the desperate old man's efforts to win her back and consequences that lead him to make a new double bed to keep her close to himself and how he cancels off a whole week and later rips off two pages (two whole months actually) from his calender to get married to her before it is too late, are brilliantly done!)

The young girl's attraction for the youth grows each coming day and one day she slips from her bed at night and sinks into the young boy's mattress to touch his lips and rub his cheeks. It is when the guy comes closer to her in order to kiss her, that the old man sees them together and with no pause he immediately takes away the boy from his boat. The boy promises to come back after he finds the girl's parents.
And while the boy is gone, the oldie's relationship with the girl remains strained.

Soon enough, the young boy returns with a note from her parents who claim their child. The old man is adamant and doesn't let him take her away. It is then that the guy challenges the old man to read his fortune too and predict as to whether or not he'd be able to take her away with himself or would the old man marry her off and live happily ever after.
The fortune telling process comes into play and the girl smiles at the old man. Her smile revealing a sense of confidence and pride which makes the old man very nervous. Two bows are shot and when he's about to shoot the final bow, the young boy pulls back the ropes of the swing and the girl falls into the water and the bow hits the Buddha in the head.
She whispers something which is passed onto the visitor by the old man.

The next day, the young boy politely asks the old man to let go off the girl because she has to see what the world outside is like, hearing which the old man gets really annoyed and he opens his cupboard and throws off the dresses he got for the girl and himself for their marriage.
The girl leaves and the boy follows and they finally leave the old man's boat. On the other hand, the old man cries his eyes off for the girl meant everything to him. He sees them going away in another boat and it is then that he takes a looped rope and puts it around his neck (ah, typical of Kim-Ki-Duk). The rope is in turn tied to the boat in which the boy and the girl are traveling and as they keep moving ahead, the rope tightens it's grip around the old man's neck. The pain gets unbearable for the man and he grabs hold of a knife kept nearby and tries to cut the rope, while on the other hand the girl realises something and rushes back to the oldie.

The old bastard on seeing her coming back to him hides the knife and continues to cough. The girl pities the old man, hugs him and you see them dressing up each other for their marriage in the next scene (the young boy has a stupefied look on his face all the while).
Finally they get married and sail off in another boat where the old man takes off the young bride's clothes revealing her in a long, white slip. He plants a gentle kiss on her cheek and plays some soothing music for her and the girl soon falls asleep and while she's still asleep, the old man aims his bow at the girl, then shoots it into the air and jumps into the water committing suicide.
This small boat moves back to the original boat where the dumb struck young boy is still there. He goes to check what's wrong and he sees the girl masturbating in her sleep. The very same arrow which the oldie had shot sometime back hits the boat's deck close to the girl who finally wakes up, smiles and they leave the boat for the 'real' world.


Though the movie is neat enough, it is not even close to what I have already seen of Kim-Ki-Duk's but I would appreciate the movie on the following grounds:

1. It was on T.V. and I didn't have to go through the pains of downloading or buying it.
2. The music was cool enough.
3. The young Korean boy was cute.
5. I was jobless.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


When chickens get a taste of your meat, it's time to get mutated.

When the belle of New Orleans tries to show you how to tango, run away.

When he likes killing you after you're dead, he loved you.

When they cut out the flute from the throat of the loon, it's time to sing.


When they think I am a queer, I smirk.

PS: So torrified.